I can’t believe I haven’t written since January 10. That was almost 3 weeks ago. That’s awful. Let’s play catch up and then start discussing all the things going on.
My journey in terms of school is in the last phase. I am in my last semester. I received my placement. I am in a Morris County High School teaching seniors and sophomores. Well, I haven’t started with the sophomores yet. The seniors are a handful. I think you know what I mean especially if you are in the education field. The first class I have has about 4 individuals that just do not care or want to do the work. Heartbreaking really. . . It’s frustrating because I can relate to these kids on some level. They all come into school wearing this mask. The persona is a facade for their friends. What’s funny is I’ve been there and I am there now.
Is anyone really outwardly the way they portray? I like to think I am at this point in my life but to an extent. For example, I believe I said in posts back that if you are a real friend of mine, I would do ANYTHING for you. And that part of me is true. Is there any time where the “doing” is too much though? How do you know if it is really appreciated or the appreciation is just being expressed because it’s the right thing to say at the time? It also baffles me how I have all the answers for people who need them but when it comes to my own situations, I just don’t know. I don’t have any answers. . .
In terms of a facade, I can definitely come across as what some may call a “bad ass.” I feel like I have to be that way because of everything I have been through. I feel like if I drop that for one second, the piranha will attack. I categorize myself as either a hard candy with a marshmallow middle or a pistachio nut – A somewhat mushy center but surrounded by a hard shell. The mushy center has been coming through a lot lately and to be honest I don’t know if I like that. In terms of empathizing with my students’ facade, I feel like lately to quote part of Shakespeare, my world really is a stage – in the classroom for sure but out of it as well. I’m struggling with things – some of it disclosed, some of it not. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself. As much as that may be an internal struggle, when you assess the possible outcome in your head, the repercussions may be worse. Even though it just may be a possibility for the outcome to be consequential, you still have to consider it. In addition, other thoughts I have had in my head, I feel like they have to go on the back burner right now as well. I just feel that would give the perception of me thinking about myself. As much as I want to be selfish for once in my life, I don’t think now is a good time for that. Will the day ever come where I stop sacrificing myself and my wants for everyone else? I don’t think I can. I don’t know how. I’m NOT that person who expects their needs to be met first regardless. I never have been that way and quite frankly I don’t think I ever could be. . .
Today started off well. I got myself up at 6 a.m. to try to get my body used to getting up early again. I did great. I think it has to be the energy from working out so much. Today I spent an hour and half in the gym, got a mani/pedi, and went tanning. Things started spiraling after that. I was going to audition for a show and all my sheet music got lost. I went to the music store and all they had was the movie version of the show I use for auditioning so I bought it. I decided not to go audition because I wasn’t prepared, I couldn’t go to the call back night, and I got an email from my college stating they haven’t heard anything from the place I am supposed to intern at. Lovely since the semester starts the 18th and I am clueless. Thankfully a professor of mine has been awesome but it’s so annoying! In addition there was so much traffic on the way home, it took me a half hour to get home from a spot that usually takes 10 minutes. This all has made me so cranky.
There has also been all these other things coming to fruition. I realized so much stuff in these 5 days that not many know about. This deals with what I blogged two days ago. Is it weird that this is all I have been thinking about? Should it be a recurring thought or no? Sucks when the thoughts occur on a consistent basis. It’s one of those very peculiar situations. I’m not into quests and I am not a chess player. I’m one for consistent fun in whatever capacity as opposed to giving stuff a whirl just to do it. I NEVER thought I would give so much thought (not in a skeptical, doubting, or negative way) to something like this. I don’t know. . . How much can someone insert themselves into situations and then get nothing in return? I believe in being altruistic to an extent. When you start banging your head against the wall, when you know it’s falling on deaf ears, and when the crickets start chirping on the other end, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to try so hard? I mean if someone isn’t trying as hard as you are, is there really anything there? No patience for untrue people. A frined of mine that I hadn’t seen in two years was telling me a story about an individual she really cared about. She went above and beyond and got taken advantage of. She couldn’t take it anymore and stopped talking to the person. You could tell when she was telling the story that she was hurt by it. How many times can one get a cartoon jackass head on their shoulders before the epiphany occurs? A lot to think about . . .
Here’s my mood right now. This is a song I listened to over and over again when my father passed away but the words right now are still so fitting for everything going on in my life one way or another. I still don’t feel whole or know who I am. I guess in reality I still am Broken in some capacity. :
Did you ever have one of those days where you ask yourself, Can this day possibly get any weirder? Oy vey, had that yesterday! Things you think you would never disclose come out to those you feel comfortable with. Is that a problem or a good thing? I guess it depends on the person. I have said numerous times before I’m sure that I have trust issues where people who are not family are concerned so this goes back to what “Dr. Kevin” said during the whole business thing, Is it better to keep things close to the vest or show your cards when you feel the time is right? I don’t know. . . I actually got pretty giddy after having this weird conversation. Again I don’t know. It certainly surfaces a whole bunch of strange emotions and thoughts. You sit and wonder, what the hell is that person thinking after you disclose your info.
My husband, my brother, and I went to the Prudential Center on Wednesday to see the BULLS play the Nets. We are huge Bulls fans. They lost by a bucket. UGH! It’s so frustrating when a first place team loses to the bottom feeders of the NBA! It was my first time at The Prudential Center – very nice. Last night I met an old friend for a glass of wine. I hadn’t seen her in about two years. Makin the most of my time before school rips me of my social life again!
Songs of the day:
Hitting the movies with the hubby. We are going to see The Fighter. If you have all the Optimum services, get the rewards card. FREE movies on Tuesdays. Free is for me!
So, what song is Lisa listening to over and over again today? Here it is:
By the way, after 5 months of blogging, I finally figured out how to insert the video as opposed to the URL. LOL
Anyone else who has a blog, this question is for you. Are you all getting annoyed when you look at who viewed your blog on a specific day and it’s some ridiculousness website that you have no interest in? They obviously click on a blog and click out of it so their website shows up on your dashboard. SO annoying. I NEVER go to these other sites yet they keeping leaving their URL on mine. People PUHLEEZ! Give the trolling and spamming a rest!
I didn’t do any writing today except for here. I went back to the gym and then caught up on DVR stuff I know my husband wouldn’t be into.
Last post Dec 20. Now that we are through the holidays and I am over the cold I had all week, I am back. LOVE LOVE LOVING my break!!! ME time!!! WOO HOO! I have been cooking, writing, reading, watching movies, going to the movies, and seeing friends. I took my mother to see Burlesque – the movie with Christina Aguilera and Cher. My mother LOVES Cher. I have taken her to every Farewell tour there has been in the NJ area. Anyway, the movie was AWESOME! If you are into theater or musical theater, go see it! I was dancing in my seat and ran out and bought the CD for my mother (Christmas gift) and I the same night. I can sing in that range and I have the song Somethings Got a Hold on Me as my ring tone on my cell. Christina has a set of pipes boy WOW! I was all into it! My mother of course loved it.
Now that 2011 is here, I did a Facebook clean out. I needed to alleviate the dead weight that was bringing me down. Some people I thought I had a relationship with but it’s like out of sight out of mind and who needs friends like that! This is going to be a good year I think. The Giants were eliminated from the playoffs which wasn’t so good for the new year but other than that, things will be great! All I have to say is GO BULLS! GO ST. LOUIS CARDS! Speaking of the Bulls, me, my hubby, and my brother are going to see the Bulls play the Nets on Wednesday at The Prudential Center. I can’t wait! Getting all my fun in while I can because once school starts up again, I go back to not having a life!
I still haven’t gotten my placement for my internship, which at first annoyed me, but you know what, whatever. I sent them an email today inquiring. It is what it is. I did find out however, that the illustrious state of New Jersey is pulling my unemployment as soon as I am finished with school. Isn’t that great? They want you to go to school to get trained in a new career but they don’t want to pay you until you find a job in that new career. Lovely. I need to get a job come May!
The holidays were low-key. A lot of family time and WAY too much eating! As I said earlier I had a cold all this week which prevented me from getting to the gym everyday like I wanted! UGH! I am starting back at the gym tomorrow. I had a nice routine going and then the holidays and this cold happened.
We are almost done with our second one act play and I have 53 word pages in the book I am writing. I need an editor and a literary agent.
Some good songs from Burlesque:
I cannot belive the Giants lost that game 38-31. 28 points by the Eagles in the 4th Quarter!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?! How does that happen?!?!?! I have never EVER been this ashamed to be a Giants fan in my life. What a heart-break! Now they have to win their last two games to even have a chance at the playoffs. I am not sure that is going to happen. When they lose big games, they have a tendency to quit the rest of the season. Remember the 49ner game many years back? How about the New Orleans game last year? After both those games, they went downhill. UGH! My husband and I were at the game yesterday and left in the middle of the 4th quarter to beat the traffic. It was 31-10! By the time we got to our truck, it was 31-17. Listening to the play by play in the car on the radio made me sick! I am a very passionate person especially when it comes to sports!!! In my opinion, heads need to roll today!
Let the tailgating commence at 0:900 hours! The Giants vs Philadelphia and Mike Vick at Giants Stadium for first place in the NFC East! Listen closely, you just may hear me screaming from our section in the upper tier! We are making grilled chicken cheese steaks, healthy, of course. I’m not drinking wine tomorrow – just water and hot chocolate. It’s a 1 p.m. game. Too early for wine. Plus it’s going to be FREEZING!
I hope there aren’t any Eagles fans around us. UGH! If I have to hear that damn Fly Eagles Fly song, I am going to hurl! My boy Steve Smith is out for the season which is a total bummer but Hakeem Nicks is healthy, Hagan has stepped up, Manningham has good downfield capabilities, and the rest of the “O” has what it takes. Our “D” has to step up and put pressure on Vick, contain McCoy, and cover Jackson. God, please don’t let them aggravate me. They NEED to win this game!
TNT is playing the hell out of The Wizard of Oz. *Singing* As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally. But we’ve got to verify it legally, to see. To see? If she, If she? Is morally, ethic’lly, spiritually, physically, Positively, absolutely, Undeniably and reliably Dead!
We watched Deck the Halls tonight – too funny! It kind of reminded me of Christmas Vacation somewhat. How does Kristin Chenoweth get herself in these types of movies? She is such an awesome Broadway performer and I LOVE her on Glee! We saw her in Wicked. She was awesome!
*SINGING* Popular! You’re gonna be popular! I’ll teach you the proper poise, When you talk to boys, Little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh! – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNIwSYp4N-Y
I like this one – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XwmA0jyWMk – I love me some Indina Menzel! Listen to the words. Remember I have a song for EVERYTHING! If you know me, you will know why this is my song!
Sitting here watching ESPN FIRST TAKE and listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9PmfpGQrQ – LOVE this song. Singing away. This song has so many meanings for me – Not just the obvious love song type insinuation. I like to reach deeper with music lyrics. I am so into music lyrics telling a story especially where I am concerned. I have a song for EVERYTHING. Don’t you wish you can get inside my head? :p
Still in my PJs cause I can! WOO HOO! I have been so exhausted. It’s amazing what happens when you shut your brain off. The semester is over for me. My last day was Wednesday. Supervisor came. Cake walk! I am waiting for my grades to be posted now.
This time of year is rough for me. I’m missing my father. I have been going to his house on Christmas Eve since I was 10 when my parents divorced. My husband and I are still going over there even now that he’s gone. My 20-year-old brother is a stickler for traditions. He doesn’t want anything to change including the menu – Filet mignon and lobster. My father used to make the steak and now he makes it. I think my bro makes it better than my father (*Looks up* SORRY DAD). Not a lobster eater. Not a red meat eater either. I have to be in the mood for it. I’ll take one for the team Christmas Eve though. My husband’s birthday is on Christmas Eve too so we always have a birthday cake for him. We are going to celebrate it on the 23rd. We are going into NY.
It’s that time of year for reassessing. This has been another year of enormous growth and learning for me. Since my father passed away on Jan 22, 2009, my life has taken such a different turn. I think I have said this in past posts but it’s unfortunate that it took my father leaving this earth to wake the hell up. This year I have seen people’s true colors and realized who cares and who is only out for themselves – especially in the last two months. I think I have also said in past posts that if you cross me once I wipe my hands of you. That I definitely got from my father. I have wiped my hands of things and situations. Out with the old and in with the new. I refuse to be anyone’s marionette. No one plucks my strings except me. This is why I have a very hard time trusting people. There is usually an underlined manipulative motive. I won’t tolerate that. To those that have been in my corner and continue to be, I am very thankful and appreciate all the support – especially with my creative outlets.
I also want to announce that I am going to be an auntie again! My best friend is pregnant again with her second child. YAYYYYYYY!!!!
Switched over to another song I can’t stop listening to – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsPFDzAGb4A – Alter ego? lol
Well, I got through my presentation in that God awful computer class. Tomorrow is my last day at the high school and then I get to relax for 4 weeks. God I need it. I am completely burned out. My mind has been on overload. From what I hear, it’s only going to get worse next semester with the internship. By May who knows what condition I will be in! I can’t believe this world wind of a journey I have been on since 2005. For those of you that have been following from Post#1, life is a funny thing, a crazy roller coaster with unexpected hills and drops. I guess I was a lot stronger than I thought; yet a small part of me still doubts myself.
I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. so I just wanted to write something before going to bed. Good night and after tomorrow I am all yours again!
And spammers, BACK OFF! I am not interested in anything you are peddling!
The semester is over for me this Wednesday! I am so over it. I have a presentation tomorrow and the school I intern at has a half day on Wednesday due to an in-service which is just fantastic! My supervisor is coming for the last time. I just have to finish the lesson plan. It’s going to be real quick because the periods are abbreviated. I am teaching the Journalism class how to write a crime report. On another note, I got an A on my portfolio thingy. WOOT! That’s 3 As in that class! *CABBAGE PATCHIN AT THE COMPUTER* Tuesdays class is going to be the death of my GPA. I got a 71 on my final because the teacher is HORRIBLE. He doesn’t care and doesn’t do a damn thing. I have to do a powerpoint presentation tomorrow on an English lesson. I am just doing plot structure. Whatever. He is more concerned how hi-tech looking it is.
Now that the semester is over, I can start blogging more. The Spring semester doesn’t start until January 18! I have an orientation before that though.
Hanging out with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a while on Friday night. She just got married so we are going for a glass of wine!
My husband and I are almost finished with our second play. We sent the first one out to two different places. i also sent some of my poetry out. I am not a great poet but whatever. Life is too short. Why not send them out and just see?