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Monthly Archives: November 2010


I wrote another poem last night called Tinted Windows.  I’m writing all this stuff about being masked, hiding, who am I, being exposed or being cold. These writings cry ISSUES! LOL! But who the hell doesn’t have them man, ya know? I had another dream last night about a similar subject which I will never discuss because it’s beyond impossible and people would run in the other direction no doubt.  I think this is where these poems are coming from. I don’t know.

Three weeks of school left. THANK GOD! I have to put together this mini teacher portfolio for my Monday night class. I’m kinda freakin about it. I mean I am sure with research I can come up with 6-11 lesson plans but . . . Sometimes I don’t have the confidence I should in myself. I HAVE to do it so I know it will get done  but how good it will be is another question.

I miss doing theatre. I haven’t had time for singing lessons or rehearsals and performing. That part of me feels empty. At least my words are flowing with my pen.

 For now I leave you with this holiday tune – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY

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I have written 4 poems now in the last few days which is pretty funny cause I haven’t written a poem in YEARS. Are they good is the question. I always base my writing in 1st person. I think I am going to submit them to the Boston Review. If they like them great, if not great. I am not going to sweat it. Like I said it has been years since I wrote poems but more and more I am learning life is about chance and creating opportunities for yourself.  If you don’t take a risk, how the hell are you going to succeed? Now if I can only apply that logic to the business debacle.  Hmmmm

We are going to NYC again for the 3rd week in a row. Friday we are going to a cocktail reception for SIU Alumni. My husband is a SIU Alumni. I am hoping it’s fun. Even if  it isn’t we are in NY. I always feel at home there. Ya know, in my element.

I bought NKOTB & Backstreet Boys tickets for the June 12th show here in NJ. My best friend and I are going. We went to the one 2 years ago at the IZOD. I can’t believe they paired with Backstreet. Pretty sweet. This seems to be my favorite NKOTB song right now – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji_l0GvKpL4

I taught the honors classes at my internship this week. Period 4 went better than Period 9. 9th I was kinda fumbling for my words. They seemed to like my writing assignment.  I don’t know. I am SO over this semester.

Let’s see, what else have I learned this week? I think Peter Pan Syndrome is kicking in. I want to enjoy myself whether that’s with theater or music or hanging out. I also learned that sometimes you need to keep your mouth shut. I am an opinionated person and sometimes that is really hard to do. Every once in a while the Mother Teresa syndrome kicks in full swing. I don’t know. Since I started throwing myself into writing, I have been a HUGE mush with the heart on the sleeve. UGH! That’s a good way for people to take advantage. I don’t like droppin the guard. I think we all feel that way in a sense. . .

We may be FINALLY having our high school reunion. In 18 years we NEVER had a reunion. Pretty sad.


I now understand why these literary names drank. You’re on a high and then a  low. One minute you have writer’s block and the next minute your brain doesn’t turn off. Last night my brain actually forced me to write a poem at 11:30 p.m. It was one of those WRITE IT DOWN moments. Total weirdness especially considering I do not write poetry or I haven’t since I was in my early 20s in my undergrad.  We went to a character development one day intensive workshop in NY from 11-6 this past Saturday. It was an INCREDIBLE experience. Since then, I can’t stop. I have all these things popping into my head. I created a few characters for future pieces I want to write whether short story or what have you. We are writing another one-act play that is untitled right now. I was able to write some dialogue in that workshop which was great.  I have my novel/novella going (I think I have like 47 word pages) as well. I went back to that a little yesterday to make some changes. I have so much I want to do but I have to maintain a balance with my schoolwork. UGH! Again I am so over this semester! I have a had a great learning experience but dear Lord I am ready to just write for a month and enjoy whatever life has for me during the holidays. I was telling someone this morning that i feel like inserting myself into the Lebron James What Should I do commercial and how I know some of the people I am around think I’m probably nuts or are expecting me to fail since I have failed at every other thing I have tried. A lot of people think hi diddly dee the 9-5’s for me. That’s NOT for me. I want to write and be involved with theatre and I WILL write and be involved in theatre. So here ya go –

I have this song on my brain. I love the lead singer’s voice and some of the words and phrases remind me of people/situations  

  – One of many other things my brain keeps to itself.


So today I am wondering who the real true people are in my life. I  am on a totally different path than a lot of people. As I said, while I am going for my teaching certification, my real goal is to sing, write and become better at my crafts. I don’t know what the future holds for anything. I can tell you one thing I have ZERO tolerance for is fairweather friends, people who don’t want to support you, people who only want you to support them and when you do they dismiss you like a disobedient child or people who EXPECT you to live the same lifestyle they are.  Don’t come to me JUST when you need something or you want something. Don’t contact me only when it’s convenient for you or to throw me a bone.   I am not interested in having someone like that in my life. It’s like those acquaintences that friend you on facebook to keep up with what your doing but never talk to you or ask you how you are. What’s the point of friending me on a SOCIAL NETWORK? If you are with me and in my corner, act like it. If you’re not, at least have a backbone and say so, ya know? I would have a hell of a lot more respect for you. These types of things plus lots of others have been bothering me for a few weeks now.   

Just wanted to talk to you tonight world. I’ve been up since 5:30 a.m. and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. Good Night!


It’s been 13 days since my last post. I am so sorry. I know I said I would keep up. It sounds like I am sitting in a confessional, doesn’t it? “Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 13 days since I last wrote!”  With only 3 comments you have to wonder, is anyone besides my friends, (the REAL friends not just the nosy acquaintances or those that want something from me) who are great supporters of my writing even following this blog? I think the most recent thing on my mind lately is who the hell am I and reassessment. I am re-assessing EVERYTHING. My wheels are spinning constantly. It’s good to have the blog to turn to for my catharsis. I know the main reason when I started this blog was to get my story out about everything I have went through in the last 5 years but now that we are at present day, I hope you don’t mind the present days.

Our play, The Switch was performed on Oct 30 which was probably the happiest day of my life barring the fact that a few people I wanted there couldn’t be there. That would have made me twice as happy but what can ya do? In any case, I think my actors were overworked because they were forgetting lines. That never really happened in rehearsals. I was kinda upset at first but keeping in mind the fact that the show really wasn’t fully cast until two weeks before, how can I really be upset? I received a lot of positive feedback but as a lot of artists feel, you often wonder if people tell what you want to hear. Some may THINK just the opposite – if you don’t agree with the naysayers opinions on how you should handle your work, then it sucks or they want no part of it. One thing I will not involve myself with now or ever is the “write MY way or it’s the highway.” I have wanted to write since I was 6 years old and I will be God Damned if someone is going to try to control it or me.  I am all about input, don’t get me wrong, but the minute the input turns into dictating, PEACE OUT – I am done with you! *KNOCK ON WOOD * – This hasn’t happened but I am just sayin . . .

Back to re-assessing and who am I. . . Let’s start with Who Am I – Maybe some of you that know me can answer that. Maybe you can’t. If I don’t know me, how can you? I feel like I am constantly changing. I felt a change in me coming on the minute my father died in 2009. It’s funny when you really become obsessed with the phrase “Life is too short,” or you start surrounding yourself with different people or you start really honing in on your craft how your mind is on overload and it  just starts going to places you never thought it would or to places where it is not supposed to be.  It’s peculiar too when these thoughts surface when you are out alone or with friends. It’s like I have to say to my brain SHHHHHHH. I often wonder if people can read me when the thoughts start surfacing.  Sometimes I wonder if i make things obvious. I try not to. Reading back over this, that sounds a little strange to you I am sure but it’s nothing to suspect that the white coats need to be called. LOL! It’s a writer/artist thing. You know us types. We are all over the place emotionally especially when you can literally reach out and grab what you want but you really can’t or you have to be prudent or it’s just an oasis and not quite there yet.  Don’t mistake these words because my REAL friends know that I would give them the shirt off my back or do anything for them. I know they would adjust nicely to the lifestyle I desire.  

Now re-assessing – I guess this ties into the above. This whole writing thing has me bursting inside. Like I said I have known I wanted to do this since I was 6 years old. When I was 6 I had a friend Colleen that lived around the corner. We set up my play room like an office. She was my secretary and I was the writer. She would take fake phone calls and write out invoices for our “clients” with titles of stories. She would give me a ton of titles and I would just write. It was at that moment I knew what I wanted to be. As I got older I used to tell other friends how I wanted to make a name for myself but with all the dysfunction that surrounded me, writer’s block and low self-esteem sneaked in. Look I am not even going to pretend that my self-esteem is where I want it to be but the excitement about writing that I had when I was 6 is back. How? I don’t know. My long term goal is to write 24/7, to go around the world for research on novels, and to write theater pieces. It’s frustrating because right now I can’t do that. I don’t have a lot of money where I could sit here, not work and just write. I have to finish my teaching certification program and get a job to pay bills and write whenever I have free time. I wish I had this fire inside me two years ago when I had first lost my job.   I know now what I want, who I want to be, and who I want in my corner. I am a big mush internally so support means everything to me. If there is someone out there that disapproves where I want to go in my life, honestly, I don’t care. I’m tired of living my life with other people controlling it or telling me (us) what a normal life and a normal routine is supposed to be. I never claimed to be normal. I didn’t come from a normal environment.  

On a few side notes, I think I made a point to say I have been having weird dreams and thoughts lately. The dream I had the other night, man, I had to write it down. It certainly would be a good story.

Lately I feel like I have been expressive through music. If you watch some of these videos or interpret some of the lyrics, you would think it was always about an ex. I’ve always been one to interpret everything differently. It could be just a phrase or the emotion used to sing that can trigger something. Take one of my very old favorite love tunes – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0XMn0U9b2Y  There are several phrases in this song that trigger something for me. It certainly doesn’t remind me of an ex.

They fired my personal trainer at the gym. The guy who took over as the fitness manager is such a “salesman” that he doesn’t care about the clients. The trainer I had was very loving and caring. I want to start going to another gym. While I have lost weight, I  have a long way to go. Is it bad as a woman to say that I want to look like Jackie Warner or Jillian Michaels? 

Maybe some of you out there think I am completely bonkers; others of you may see yourself after reading this post.

Who am I right now? I am not yet a teacher and I am not 100% a writer. Mid life crisis or identity crisis? I say identity for sure because I went back and read some previous posts. WOW! I am in a totally different place.