I can’t believe I haven’t written since January 10. That was almost 3 weeks ago. That’s awful. Let’s play catch up and then start discussing all the things going on.
My journey in terms of school is in the last phase. I am in my last semester. I received my placement. I am in a Morris County High School teaching seniors and sophomores. Well, I haven’t started with the sophomores yet. The seniors are a handful. I think you know what I mean especially if you are in the education field. The first class I have has about 4 individuals that just do not care or want to do the work. Heartbreaking really. . . It’s frustrating because I can relate to these kids on some level. They all come into school wearing this mask. The persona is a facade for their friends. What’s funny is I’ve been there and I am there now.
Is anyone really outwardly the way they portray? I like to think I am at this point in my life but to an extent. For example, I believe I said in posts back that if you are a real friend of mine, I would do ANYTHING for you. And that part of me is true. Is there any time where the “doing” is too much though? How do you know if it is really appreciated or the appreciation is just being expressed because it’s the right thing to say at the time? It also baffles me how I have all the answers for people who need them but when it comes to my own situations, I just don’t know. I don’t have any answers. . .
In terms of a facade, I can definitely come across as what some may call a “bad ass.” I feel like I have to be that way because of everything I have been through. I feel like if I drop that for one second, the piranha will attack. I categorize myself as either a hard candy with a marshmallow middle or a pistachio nut – A somewhat mushy center but surrounded by a hard shell. The mushy center has been coming through a lot lately and to be honest I don’t know if I like that. In terms of empathizing with my students’ facade, I feel like lately to quote part of Shakespeare, my world really is a stage – in the classroom for sure but out of it as well. I’m struggling with things – some of it disclosed, some of it not. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself. As much as that may be an internal struggle, when you assess the possible outcome in your head, the repercussions may be worse. Even though it just may be a possibility for the outcome to be consequential, you still have to consider it. In addition, other thoughts I have had in my head, I feel like they have to go on the back burner right now as well. I just feel that would give the perception of me thinking about myself. As much as I want to be selfish for once in my life, I don’t think now is a good time for that. Will the day ever come where I stop sacrificing myself and my wants for everyone else? I don’t think I can. I don’t know how. I’m NOT that person who expects their needs to be met first regardless. I never have been that way and quite frankly I don’t think I ever could be. . .
Today started off well. I got myself up at 6 a.m. to try to get my body used to getting up early again. I did great. I think it has to be the energy from working out so much. Today I spent an hour and half in the gym, got a mani/pedi, and went tanning. Things started spiraling after that. I was going to audition for a show and all my sheet music got lost. I went to the music store and all they had was the movie version of the show I use for auditioning so I bought it. I decided not to go audition because I wasn’t prepared, I couldn’t go to the call back night, and I got an email from my college stating they haven’t heard anything from the place I am supposed to intern at. Lovely since the semester starts the 18th and I am clueless. Thankfully a professor of mine has been awesome but it’s so annoying! In addition there was so much traffic on the way home, it took me a half hour to get home from a spot that usually takes 10 minutes. This all has made me so cranky.
There has also been all these other things coming to fruition. I realized so much stuff in these 5 days that not many know about. This deals with what I blogged two days ago. Is it weird that this is all I have been thinking about? Should it be a recurring thought or no? Sucks when the thoughts occur on a consistent basis. It’s one of those very peculiar situations. I’m not into quests and I am not a chess player. I’m one for consistent fun in whatever capacity as opposed to giving stuff a whirl just to do it. I NEVER thought I would give so much thought (not in a skeptical, doubting, or negative way) to something like this. I don’t know. . . How much can someone insert themselves into situations and then get nothing in return? I believe in being altruistic to an extent. When you start banging your head against the wall, when you know it’s falling on deaf ears, and when the crickets start chirping on the other end, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to try so hard? I mean if someone isn’t trying as hard as you are, is there really anything there? No patience for untrue people. A frined of mine that I hadn’t seen in two years was telling me a story about an individual she really cared about. She went above and beyond and got taken advantage of. She couldn’t take it anymore and stopped talking to the person. You could tell when she was telling the story that she was hurt by it. How many times can one get a cartoon jackass head on their shoulders before the epiphany occurs? A lot to think about . . .
Here’s my mood right now. This is a song I listened to over and over again when my father passed away but the words right now are still so fitting for everything going on in my life one way or another. I still don’t feel whole or know who I am. I guess in reality I still am Broken in some capacity. :
Did you ever have one of those days where you ask yourself, Can this day possibly get any weirder? Oy vey, had that yesterday! Things you think you would never disclose come out to those you feel comfortable with. Is that a problem or a good thing? I guess it depends on the person. I have said numerous times before I’m sure that I have trust issues where people who are not family are concerned so this goes back to what “Dr. Kevin” said during the whole business thing, Is it better to keep things close to the vest or show your cards when you feel the time is right? I don’t know. . . I actually got pretty giddy after having this weird conversation. Again I don’t know. It certainly surfaces a whole bunch of strange emotions and thoughts. You sit and wonder, what the hell is that person thinking after you disclose your info.
My husband, my brother, and I went to the Prudential Center on Wednesday to see the BULLS play the Nets. We are huge Bulls fans. They lost by a bucket. UGH! It’s so frustrating when a first place team loses to the bottom feeders of the NBA! It was my first time at The Prudential Center – very nice. Last night I met an old friend for a glass of wine. I hadn’t seen her in about two years. Makin the most of my time before school rips me of my social life again!
Songs of the day:
Hitting the movies with the hubby. We are going to see The Fighter. If you have all the Optimum services, get the rewards card. FREE movies on Tuesdays. Free is for me!
So, what song is Lisa listening to over and over again today? Here it is:
By the way, after 5 months of blogging, I finally figured out how to insert the video as opposed to the URL. LOL
Anyone else who has a blog, this question is for you. Are you all getting annoyed when you look at who viewed your blog on a specific day and it’s some ridiculousness website that you have no interest in? They obviously click on a blog and click out of it so their website shows up on your dashboard. SO annoying. I NEVER go to these other sites yet they keeping leaving their URL on mine. People PUHLEEZ! Give the trolling and spamming a rest!
I didn’t do any writing today except for here. I went back to the gym and then caught up on DVR stuff I know my husband wouldn’t be into.
Last post Dec 20. Now that we are through the holidays and I am over the cold I had all week, I am back. LOVE LOVE LOVING my break!!! ME time!!! WOO HOO! I have been cooking, writing, reading, watching movies, going to the movies, and seeing friends. I took my mother to see Burlesque – the movie with Christina Aguilera and Cher. My mother LOVES Cher. I have taken her to every Farewell tour there has been in the NJ area. Anyway, the movie was AWESOME! If you are into theater or musical theater, go see it! I was dancing in my seat and ran out and bought the CD for my mother (Christmas gift) and I the same night. I can sing in that range and I have the song Somethings Got a Hold on Me as my ring tone on my cell. Christina has a set of pipes boy WOW! I was all into it! My mother of course loved it.
Now that 2011 is here, I did a Facebook clean out. I needed to alleviate the dead weight that was bringing me down. Some people I thought I had a relationship with but it’s like out of sight out of mind and who needs friends like that! This is going to be a good year I think. The Giants were eliminated from the playoffs which wasn’t so good for the new year but other than that, things will be great! All I have to say is GO BULLS! GO ST. LOUIS CARDS! Speaking of the Bulls, me, my hubby, and my brother are going to see the Bulls play the Nets on Wednesday at The Prudential Center. I can’t wait! Getting all my fun in while I can because once school starts up again, I go back to not having a life!
I still haven’t gotten my placement for my internship, which at first annoyed me, but you know what, whatever. I sent them an email today inquiring. It is what it is. I did find out however, that the illustrious state of New Jersey is pulling my unemployment as soon as I am finished with school. Isn’t that great? They want you to go to school to get trained in a new career but they don’t want to pay you until you find a job in that new career. Lovely. I need to get a job come May!
The holidays were low-key. A lot of family time and WAY too much eating! As I said earlier I had a cold all this week which prevented me from getting to the gym everyday like I wanted! UGH! I am starting back at the gym tomorrow. I had a nice routine going and then the holidays and this cold happened.
We are almost done with our second one act play and I have 53 word pages in the book I am writing. I need an editor and a literary agent.
Some good songs from Burlesque: