Skip navigation

Category Archives: College


I can’t believe I haven’t written since January 10. That was almost 3 weeks ago. That’s awful. Let’s play catch up and then start discussing all the things going on.

My journey in terms of school is in the last phase. I am in my last semester. I received my placement. I am in a Morris County High School teaching seniors and sophomores. Well, I haven’t started with the sophomores yet. The seniors are a handful. I think you know what I mean especially if you are in the education field. The first class I have has about 4 individuals that just do not care or want to do the work. Heartbreaking really. . . It’s frustrating because I can relate to these kids on some level. They all come into school wearing this mask. The persona is a facade for their friends. What’s funny is I’ve been there and I am there now.

Is anyone really outwardly the way they portray?   I like to think I am at this point in my life but to an extent. For example, I believe I said in posts back that if you are a real friend of mine, I would do ANYTHING for you. And that part of me is true. Is there any time where the “doing” is too much though? How do you know if it is really appreciated or the appreciation is just being expressed because it’s the right thing to say at the time? It also baffles me how I have all the answers for people who need them but when it comes to my own situations, I just don’t know.  I don’t have any answers. . .

In terms of a facade, I can definitely come across as what some may call a “bad ass.”  I feel like I have to be that way because of everything I have been through. I feel like if I drop that for one second, the piranha will attack. I categorize myself as either a hard candy with a marshmallow middle or a pistachio nut – A somewhat mushy center but surrounded by a hard shell. The mushy center has been coming through a lot lately and to be honest I don’t know if I like that.  In terms of empathizing with my students’ facade, I feel like lately to quote part of Shakespeare, my world really is a stage – in the classroom for sure but out of it as well. I’m struggling with things – some of it disclosed, some of it not. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself. As much as that may be an internal struggle, when you assess the possible outcome in your head, the repercussions may be worse. Even though it just may be a possibility for the outcome to be consequential, you still have to consider it.   In addition, other thoughts I have had in my head, I feel like they have to go on the back burner right now as well. I just feel that would give the perception of me thinking about myself.  As much as I want to be selfish for once in my life, I don’t think now is a good time for that. Will the day ever come where I stop sacrificing myself and my wants for everyone else?  I don’t think I can.  I don’t know how. I’m NOT that person who expects their needs to be met first regardless. I never have been that way and quite frankly I don’t think I ever could be. . .  

 


Sitting here watching ESPN FIRST TAKE and listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9PmfpGQrQ – LOVE this song. Singing away. This song has so many meanings for me – Not just the obvious love song type insinuation. I like to reach deeper with music lyrics. I am so into music lyrics telling a story especially where I am concerned. I have a song for EVERYTHING. Don’t you wish you can get inside my head? :p

Still in my PJs cause I can! WOO HOO! I have been so exhausted. It’s amazing what happens when you shut your brain off. The semester is over for me. My last day was Wednesday. Supervisor came. Cake walk! I am waiting for my grades to be posted now. 

This time of year is rough for me. I’m missing my father. I have been going to his house on Christmas Eve since I was 10 when my parents divorced. My husband and I are still going over there even now that he’s gone. My 20-year-old brother is a stickler for traditions. He doesn’t want anything to change including the menu – Filet mignon and lobster. My father used to make the steak and now he makes it. I think my bro makes it better than my father (*Looks up* SORRY DAD). Not a lobster eater. Not a red meat eater either. I have to be in the mood for it. I’ll take one for the team Christmas Eve though. My husband’s birthday is on Christmas Eve too so we always have a birthday cake for him. We are going to celebrate it on the 23rd. We are going into NY.

It’s that time of year for reassessing. This has been another year of enormous growth and learning for me. Since my father passed away on Jan 22, 2009, my life has taken such a different turn. I think I have said this in past posts but it’s unfortunate that it took my father leaving this earth to wake the hell up. This year I have seen people’s true colors and realized who cares and who is only out for themselves – especially in the last two months. I think I have also said in past posts that  if you cross me once I wipe my hands of you. That I definitely got from my father. I have wiped my hands of things and situations. Out with the old and in with the new. I refuse to be anyone’s marionette. No one plucks my strings except me. This is why I have a very hard time trusting people. There is usually an underlined manipulative motive.  I won’t tolerate that. To those that have been in my corner and continue to be, I am very thankful and appreciate all the support – especially with my creative outlets.

I also want to announce that I am going to be an auntie again! My best friend is pregnant again with her second child. YAYYYYYYY!!!!

Switched over to another song I can’t stop listening to – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsPFDzAGb4A – Alter ego? lol


Well, I got through my presentation in that God awful computer class. Tomorrow is my last day at the high school and then I get to relax for 4 weeks. God I need it. I am completely burned out. My mind has been on overload. From what I hear, it’s only going to get worse next semester with the internship. By May who knows what condition I will be in! I can’t believe this world wind of a journey I have been on since 2005. For those of you that have been following from Post#1, life is a funny thing, a crazy roller coaster with unexpected hills and drops. I guess I was a lot stronger than I thought; yet a small part of me still doubts myself.

I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. so I just wanted to write something before going to bed. Good night and after tomorrow I am all yours again!

And spammers, BACK OFF! I am not interested in anything you are peddling!


The semester is over for me this Wednesday! I am so over it. I have a presentation tomorrow and the school I intern at has a half day on Wednesday due to an in-service which is just fantastic! My supervisor is coming for the last time. I just have to finish the lesson plan. It’s going to be real quick because the periods are abbreviated. I am teaching the Journalism class how to write a crime report. On another note, I got an A on my portfolio thingy. WOOT! That’s 3 As in that class! *CABBAGE PATCHIN AT THE COMPUTER* Tuesdays class is going to be the death of my GPA. I got a 71 on my final because the teacher is HORRIBLE. He doesn’t care and doesn’t do a damn thing. I have to do a powerpoint presentation tomorrow on an English lesson. I am just doing plot structure. Whatever. He is more concerned how hi-tech looking it is.

Now that the semester is over, I can start blogging more. The Spring semester doesn’t start until January 18! I have an orientation before that though.

Hanging out with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a while on Friday night. She just got married so we are going for a glass of wine!

My husband and I are almost finished with our second play. We sent the first one out to two different places. i also sent some of my poetry out. I am not a great poet but whatever. Life is too short. Why not send them out and just see?


Happy December! Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving or a tolerable one for those of you that have family issues. I have not had the time to blog as much as I have wanted to. School work and internship work has been crazy. I just finished that mini portfolio thing today – 50 friggin pages. So much for a mini huh? Good Lord! I still have papers to grade, an exam on Tuesday the 7th, a presentation on the 14th and then my supervisor decides he is coming my last day at the high school to observe me. Can you say ready for the semester to be over? I have been so stressed that I have been having like a glass of wine or two a night since Wednesday. I hate drinking during the week because I work out so much. When I finished that portfolio today it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders but who knows if my work is even acceptable. I don’t know. I am so fried and drained that I will even take a B on it. I just can’t push anymore. I don’t have anything else in me.  

I entered some of my poems into poetry contests. Let’s see what happens. I have no expectations but I am giving myself a lot of credit because I stopped doing that kind of stuff due to lack of confidence. Now I just say to hell with it. If they like it and publish it, great, if they don’t, there will be more writings.

The night before Thanksgiving I went out with a friend to have a girls night and blow off some stress. What a Blast! I didn’t get home until 1 a.m. and I can’t tell you the last time I stayed out that late. Good times! We had a very interesting conversation. It’s good to be able to have girl talk sometimes, ya know? I’m still going through the whole aspect of who can I really talk to or trust. My brain also seems to be going through stuff that won’t let me understand it – weirdness. It seems the only place to turn is this blog or a piece of paper.


It’s been 13 days since my last post. I am so sorry. I know I said I would keep up. It sounds like I am sitting in a confessional, doesn’t it? “Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 13 days since I last wrote!”  With only 3 comments you have to wonder, is anyone besides my friends, (the REAL friends not just the nosy acquaintances or those that want something from me) who are great supporters of my writing even following this blog? I think the most recent thing on my mind lately is who the hell am I and reassessment. I am re-assessing EVERYTHING. My wheels are spinning constantly. It’s good to have the blog to turn to for my catharsis. I know the main reason when I started this blog was to get my story out about everything I have went through in the last 5 years but now that we are at present day, I hope you don’t mind the present days.

Our play, The Switch was performed on Oct 30 which was probably the happiest day of my life barring the fact that a few people I wanted there couldn’t be there. That would have made me twice as happy but what can ya do? In any case, I think my actors were overworked because they were forgetting lines. That never really happened in rehearsals. I was kinda upset at first but keeping in mind the fact that the show really wasn’t fully cast until two weeks before, how can I really be upset? I received a lot of positive feedback but as a lot of artists feel, you often wonder if people tell what you want to hear. Some may THINK just the opposite – if you don’t agree with the naysayers opinions on how you should handle your work, then it sucks or they want no part of it. One thing I will not involve myself with now or ever is the “write MY way or it’s the highway.” I have wanted to write since I was 6 years old and I will be God Damned if someone is going to try to control it or me.  I am all about input, don’t get me wrong, but the minute the input turns into dictating, PEACE OUT – I am done with you! *KNOCK ON WOOD * – This hasn’t happened but I am just sayin . . .

Back to re-assessing and who am I. . . Let’s start with Who Am I – Maybe some of you that know me can answer that. Maybe you can’t. If I don’t know me, how can you? I feel like I am constantly changing. I felt a change in me coming on the minute my father died in 2009. It’s funny when you really become obsessed with the phrase “Life is too short,” or you start surrounding yourself with different people or you start really honing in on your craft how your mind is on overload and it  just starts going to places you never thought it would or to places where it is not supposed to be.  It’s peculiar too when these thoughts surface when you are out alone or with friends. It’s like I have to say to my brain SHHHHHHH. I often wonder if people can read me when the thoughts start surfacing.  Sometimes I wonder if i make things obvious. I try not to. Reading back over this, that sounds a little strange to you I am sure but it’s nothing to suspect that the white coats need to be called. LOL! It’s a writer/artist thing. You know us types. We are all over the place emotionally especially when you can literally reach out and grab what you want but you really can’t or you have to be prudent or it’s just an oasis and not quite there yet.  Don’t mistake these words because my REAL friends know that I would give them the shirt off my back or do anything for them. I know they would adjust nicely to the lifestyle I desire.  

Now re-assessing – I guess this ties into the above. This whole writing thing has me bursting inside. Like I said I have known I wanted to do this since I was 6 years old. When I was 6 I had a friend Colleen that lived around the corner. We set up my play room like an office. She was my secretary and I was the writer. She would take fake phone calls and write out invoices for our “clients” with titles of stories. She would give me a ton of titles and I would just write. It was at that moment I knew what I wanted to be. As I got older I used to tell other friends how I wanted to make a name for myself but with all the dysfunction that surrounded me, writer’s block and low self-esteem sneaked in. Look I am not even going to pretend that my self-esteem is where I want it to be but the excitement about writing that I had when I was 6 is back. How? I don’t know. My long term goal is to write 24/7, to go around the world for research on novels, and to write theater pieces. It’s frustrating because right now I can’t do that. I don’t have a lot of money where I could sit here, not work and just write. I have to finish my teaching certification program and get a job to pay bills and write whenever I have free time. I wish I had this fire inside me two years ago when I had first lost my job.   I know now what I want, who I want to be, and who I want in my corner. I am a big mush internally so support means everything to me. If there is someone out there that disapproves where I want to go in my life, honestly, I don’t care. I’m tired of living my life with other people controlling it or telling me (us) what a normal life and a normal routine is supposed to be. I never claimed to be normal. I didn’t come from a normal environment.  

On a few side notes, I think I made a point to say I have been having weird dreams and thoughts lately. The dream I had the other night, man, I had to write it down. It certainly would be a good story.

Lately I feel like I have been expressive through music. If you watch some of these videos or interpret some of the lyrics, you would think it was always about an ex. I’ve always been one to interpret everything differently. It could be just a phrase or the emotion used to sing that can trigger something. Take one of my very old favorite love tunes – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0XMn0U9b2Y  There are several phrases in this song that trigger something for me. It certainly doesn’t remind me of an ex.

They fired my personal trainer at the gym. The guy who took over as the fitness manager is such a “salesman” that he doesn’t care about the clients. The trainer I had was very loving and caring. I want to start going to another gym. While I have lost weight, I  have a long way to go. Is it bad as a woman to say that I want to look like Jackie Warner or Jillian Michaels? 

Maybe some of you out there think I am completely bonkers; others of you may see yourself after reading this post.

Who am I right now? I am not yet a teacher and I am not 100% a writer. Mid life crisis or identity crisis? I say identity for sure because I went back and read some previous posts. WOW! I am in a totally different place.


Hello!

It’s been a LONG time. Did you ever hear that phrase “I’m up to my ass in elephants?” That’s me! I have been so busy with my internship, grading massive amounts of papers because of the size of the classrooms, classes, and getting our show revised and edited. Thank goodness I do not have to be in it. I am looking forward to seeing it come to life. I wasn’t sure at first. More and more feedback started to trickle in. Some good and some not so good. We never got to go through process with the play so we had to do a quick revision. It seems to be more conversational now. Of course we allow the actors to have some creative input. When this over we are going to take a playwriting class in New York. I would also like to take a character development workshop.

I am getting observed next week by my supervisor in the classroom I am interning in. My cooperating teacher wants me to do a Revise & Edit lesson. I started the powerpoint tonight. I should probably give it a rest but I think my nerves are a little on edge. I am sitting here now trying to unwind listening to music on the computer. I am listening to Stairway to Heaven. I am not a Zaeppelin fan. I just love this song.  There is a lot to it – metaphors and such.

I promise to write more!


Anyone watch The Singoff last season? NOTA is awesome! – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG0PiVtqLxM I LOVE accapella! There CD comes out in November. This is great too – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbdPeSnXvUY

I started tweaking my play from my undergrad. I had to modernize it big time. I have 5 pages of dialogue right now. I know the concept I want to use. I just have to figure out what I am going to do and what direction I am going to go in.

I taught my third lesson yesterday at the high school I was put in. I have to get my act together with time management. I am so used to doing these damn mock lessons for Kean, that I find I am planning 20-25 minute lessons and then leaving the rest of the period for the activity. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. My cooperating teacher is really great though. She tells not to beat myself up since this is still new to me. Just because someone tells you not to beat yourself up, doesn’t mean you don’t continue to. I am the same way with theater. If I can’t get a song down or dance routine down the first time I do it, I lose my mind. That’s just me. I have that Uncle Ben’s Rice mentality – Instant! By the way, yesterday’s Quote of the Day was from a male student in the 7th period class who when I gave the activity just kind of sat there so I said “Hey too cool for school, you going to write something down or what?” So he says, “I would rather just type it at home. I am not a pre-draft kinda guy.” ALRIGHTY THEN! Too funny. I love the 7th period kids.  

Please tell me why a brand new campus building wouldn’t have computers in the classroom? Of course now I have to borrow a lap top from the professor to do my mock lesson. It’s quite embarrassing. My husband and I are just not in the position to spend money on a lap top right now. Maybe when I get a job but not while I am on unemployment. I swear these things only happen to me. It’s bad enough I am still having flashbacks from the Spring semester. Whatever. What’s going to be is going to be. I have to go back to the scale of 1 to 10 – 10 being losing my father. Where does not having a lap top really fall on that scale? I don’t want to have to go begging for a higher grade though. I’ve already done that once. That’s when my humility surfaces. I hate acting like a big mush. Did you ever notice when you put your heart on your sleeve you regret it later? I guess I am having business flashback where “Kevin” told my husband and I on numerous occasions that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. UGH! I HATE doing that. That’s a character trait I can’t seem to get rid of. Who really appreciates that except your parents and your spouse?

(I would like to wish a Happy 37th Birthday to a friend of 23 years. She knows who she is – Now we can get FV and choose your Kia or my Santa Fe to cruise in. What mid 30s? We are 21 over and over every year! Those were the days of  M. Gizz! :-0)


I found out that I will be playing Zoe in the one-act my husband and I wrote. We can’t find anyone available or with a normal schedule. I really didn’t want to be in it. This is the first time a work I was involved in is being performed. I wanted to get excited and watch. Zoe is a serious character. SIGH.  My mind is working overtime now. I have to learn these lines in addition to taking care of all my responsibilities with school and interning. I can’t complain really though. Good things are starting to happen at least! I know I have changed. I still may have my wit and humor but I am not the same person I was at the beginning months of 2010. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4VwhQlf1cc  I want to continue to write. I work so better with structure and deadlines. Anyone out there want to push me? 🙂 I would kill for an agent or something to give me deadlines.

Oh man. I just read that  39-year-old Joseph Cerniglia who owns Campania in Fair Lawn killed himself over debt. He is leaving behind a wife and 3 kids. That’s a shame. His restaurant was on Season 2 of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares. That’s the second person to commit suicide that was on one of Gordon Ramsey’s shows. YIKES! While I am sure Joseph Cerniglia’s debts were way more than ours were when we owned the fitness facility, I certainly understand the stress of the debt. You honestly don’t understand or know the sinking feeling and feeling of failure that overcomes you.  There have been people who have owned the same franchise I owned that have committed suicide because they felt like there was no way out. When you tell people about it and they answer, “I can imagine,” they really can’t. You don’t know how it feels to almost lose a marriage and in this case a life because overwhelming amounts of debt. I am not even going to pretend I understand what his family is going through right now. It’s a shame. It’s sad. My heart goes out to the Cerniglia family especially his kids.


Did you ever want something for yourself so badly? I love writing. That is why I started this blog. It wasn’t just for the catharsis. It was because I just love to write. I think I mentioned a few blogs back that my husband and I were writing a one-act play and that it was going to be performed. We finished it. After many changes and editing it numerous times, we finished it. I uploaded it on the government copyright page today. I am so happy and so excited. I have waited so long for something like this. On the night it is performed, Oct 30, 2010, I am going to be extremely giddy – kinda like Scrooge at the end of a Christmas Carol after he had his epiphany. I am sure not everyone is going to like it. Just the fact that we completed a one-act play makes me feel great. Something I wrote with my husband is going to be performed. Unreal. I actually started writing a book about the topic of the play. We took that concept and made the one-act. We are thinking about expanding it to a full length play or a screenplay. We have no experience in screenplays but I know I am certainly open to learning. I’m sure my husband is too. Another option is just to keep the book idea. I don’t know but I am psyched! I have always wanted to have my name recognized for something. I never wanted to be just another person in society working a regular job. This has made my journey to this point all the more worth the hurdles.

On September 8, I started interning at the high school I was assigned to. My cooperating teacher is great. She’s very helpful and supportive. I have already taught two lessons. It went pretty well. I had some of my own criticisms about time management. That’s just the flaw of this perfectionist attitude I have developed. I’m tired of failing at things, ya know?

I have also started two other classes. The computer class I have, honestly, I hate it. The professor is inserting lessons on binary numbers. I asked him point-blank what this had to do with teaching English in a classroom. Lisa and Math – HUGE oxymoron.  I do not do math. I hate math. I’m sorry all you mathematicians. I give you credit because I have ZERO patience for it. My other class – so far so good. I’ve had this professor before. I think I mentioned about her class the prior semester where I bombed her lesson plan project. Now in the class, I go and just keep my mouth shut. I know better now because I know her. I am going to do my best to do good lessons. We have to do two literature lesson plans. I wish I could use the lessons I already taught at the high school! She picked the book though. Bummer! I definitely understand why it is more uncomfortable to perform in front of your peers than it is in front of the room with the kids. In the classroom, I brought my personality and a little of the “Prospect Park – Lisa Jersey” swagger. It worked. Being in front of my peers doing mock lessons, eh, not real comfortable. Oh well. I have no choice.