I can’t believe I haven’t written since January 10. That was almost 3 weeks ago. That’s awful. Let’s play catch up and then start discussing all the things going on.
My journey in terms of school is in the last phase. I am in my last semester. I received my placement. I am in a Morris County High School teaching seniors and sophomores. Well, I haven’t started with the sophomores yet. The seniors are a handful. I think you know what I mean especially if you are in the education field. The first class I have has about 4 individuals that just do not care or want to do the work. Heartbreaking really. . . It’s frustrating because I can relate to these kids on some level. They all come into school wearing this mask. The persona is a facade for their friends. What’s funny is I’ve been there and I am there now.
Is anyone really outwardly the way they portray? I like to think I am at this point in my life but to an extent. For example, I believe I said in posts back that if you are a real friend of mine, I would do ANYTHING for you. And that part of me is true. Is there any time where the “doing” is too much though? How do you know if it is really appreciated or the appreciation is just being expressed because it’s the right thing to say at the time? It also baffles me how I have all the answers for people who need them but when it comes to my own situations, I just don’t know. I don’t have any answers. . .
In terms of a facade, I can definitely come across as what some may call a “bad ass.” I feel like I have to be that way because of everything I have been through. I feel like if I drop that for one second, the piranha will attack. I categorize myself as either a hard candy with a marshmallow middle or a pistachio nut – A somewhat mushy center but surrounded by a hard shell. The mushy center has been coming through a lot lately and to be honest I don’t know if I like that. In terms of empathizing with my students’ facade, I feel like lately to quote part of Shakespeare, my world really is a stage – in the classroom for sure but out of it as well. I’m struggling with things – some of it disclosed, some of it not. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself. As much as that may be an internal struggle, when you assess the possible outcome in your head, the repercussions may be worse. Even though it just may be a possibility for the outcome to be consequential, you still have to consider it. In addition, other thoughts I have had in my head, I feel like they have to go on the back burner right now as well. I just feel that would give the perception of me thinking about myself. As much as I want to be selfish for once in my life, I don’t think now is a good time for that. Will the day ever come where I stop sacrificing myself and my wants for everyone else? I don’t think I can. I don’t know how. I’m NOT that person who expects their needs to be met first regardless. I never have been that way and quite frankly I don’t think I ever could be. . .
Well, I got through my presentation in that God awful computer class. Tomorrow is my last day at the high school and then I get to relax for 4 weeks. God I need it. I am completely burned out. My mind has been on overload. From what I hear, it’s only going to get worse next semester with the internship. By May who knows what condition I will be in! I can’t believe this world wind of a journey I have been on since 2005. For those of you that have been following from Post#1, life is a funny thing, a crazy roller coaster with unexpected hills and drops. I guess I was a lot stronger than I thought; yet a small part of me still doubts myself.
I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. so I just wanted to write something before going to bed. Good night and after tomorrow I am all yours again!
And spammers, BACK OFF! I am not interested in anything you are peddling!
It’s been 8 days since my last post. Where does the time go? I was drawn to my blog today. I have a lot on my mind. It’s been racing all morning. One of many things I have been thinking about is how crazy this week has been and the actual craziness doesn’t stop until Sunday which happens to be Halloween! Weirdness!
Let’s start with Monday! I had a trainer appointment, a meeting for the Educators club I am in and class. I aced my lesson plans I had to hand in! WOOT! That’s right! I got an A. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! I will never bomb in that professor’s class again because I remember how mentally sick it made me to not only disappoint myself but to disappoint her. Again I ask, why the hell do I care so much?
Yesterday, Wednesday, my supervisor came to the high school I am interning at to observe me for the first time. I was nervous. I know I drove my cooperating teacher nuts this whole week. She is just too cool and nice to admit it to me. In any case, I aced my lesson! I received all positive feedback when I met with the supervisor afterwards. WOOT again! Talk about kickin’ ass and taking names! 2-2!
Tonight I am taking a workshop at a college where I did my undergrad. It shows you how to use movie trailers to teach creative writing. I am actually looking forward to it. The only downfall? It’s 3 hours long.
This Saturday is the moment of truth. Our play is being performed. Just to recap, this is our first play. It’s a one-act. It has been an interesting process for sure. The woman we have playing the lead is an actor for a living (God Bless her) and thinks we should showcase it in NY! WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?! We are blown away by hearing that. I said to my husband last night that I couldn’t believe she thought we should do that and I followed it up with “Who the heck are we?” I have to say, there are many layers to our character. It also leaves a lot of questions unanswered at the end. I just hope the audience likes it. My head is going to be spinning on Saturday!
I’ve also been having weird dreams lately. Don’t they say that dreams are suppressed thoughts or fantasies? Oh boy. Let’s hope not.
Oh and by the way, spammers, stop spamming. I am not interested in anything you are pushing.
So I have had several different people read our one-act play called The Switch. One person is the individual playing opposite me who is playing the reporter. He wanted to read the script before he agreed to take the part. He took the part. I guess that means he liked it? Three others read it as well.
One individual has a Master’s Degree in English, is a former journalist, and is a college professor in Connecticut. She is a college buddy of mine. We used to work at the local paper together as well. I trust her. She is very creative. She named her daughter Arcadia Cosette – Cosette being from Les Mis. I think that is great. I always said if I had a daughter I would name her Cecily Teresa. Cecily from The Importance of Being Earnest and Teresa being my maternal grandmother’s name and my Confirmation name. Now we kick around Brielle or Zoe (our lead character in our play) for a daughter’s name. Not that kids will come real soon if at all but who knows. I don’t have a crystal ball. In any case, my friend loved it. She thought the dialogue flowed.
A second individual who I went to high school with also thought it was good work. He graduated a year before me and is a screenplay writer. He actually has a meeting in Los Angeles next week with executives for his screenplay. I can’t even imagine to begin to know what he is feeling. That’s awesome! He is a horror guru. When he read the play, he said playfully that we should have one character kill the other and typed in a “LOL.” He said the hubby and I did good work.
The last person I sent it to you is a long time friend as well. He is a member of SAG and does a lot of work in the NJ/NYC area. He actually said it was very wordy, said there was a lack of contractions, and said the dialogue sounds like they took a conversation course. Can characters actually be too intellectual when they speak? Does an intellectual conversation mean it’s not realistic? I mean when I told my friend from Connecticut she said that psychopaths usually speak very intellectually and asked if I ever heard Bundy talk. While I appreciate my SAG friend’s feedback, I kinda disagree. But hey who am I? Who is my husband? I am just a girl from Prospect Park, NJ and he is just a guy from Pawnee, IL. Is everyone going to like it? No, probably not. I hope whoever comes and sees it at least has the backbone to dissect it after seeing it, ya know? This is only our first work. If it is an immediate crowd pleaser, great. If it’s not, will it bother me a little bit? Yes. Will I get over it and move on? Yes. Nothing is going to break my stride. How many times did Eminem choke on stage? How many times was he booed off stage?
Did you ever want something for yourself so badly? I love writing. That is why I started this blog. It wasn’t just for the catharsis. It was because I just love to write. I think I mentioned a few blogs back that my husband and I were writing a one-act play and that it was going to be performed. We finished it. After many changes and editing it numerous times, we finished it. I uploaded it on the government copyright page today. I am so happy and so excited. I have waited so long for something like this. On the night it is performed, Oct 30, 2010, I am going to be extremely giddy – kinda like Scrooge at the end of a Christmas Carol after he had his epiphany. I am sure not everyone is going to like it. Just the fact that we completed a one-act play makes me feel great. Something I wrote with my husband is going to be performed. Unreal. I actually started writing a book about the topic of the play. We took that concept and made the one-act. We are thinking about expanding it to a full length play or a screenplay. We have no experience in screenplays but I know I am certainly open to learning. I’m sure my husband is too. Another option is just to keep the book idea. I don’t know but I am psyched! I have always wanted to have my name recognized for something. I never wanted to be just another person in society working a regular job. This has made my journey to this point all the more worth the hurdles.
On September 8, I started interning at the high school I was assigned to. My cooperating teacher is great. She’s very helpful and supportive. I have already taught two lessons. It went pretty well. I had some of my own criticisms about time management. That’s just the flaw of this perfectionist attitude I have developed. I’m tired of failing at things, ya know?
I have also started two other classes. The computer class I have, honestly, I hate it. The professor is inserting lessons on binary numbers. I asked him point-blank what this had to do with teaching English in a classroom. Lisa and Math – HUGE oxymoron. I do not do math. I hate math. I’m sorry all you mathematicians. I give you credit because I have ZERO patience for it. My other class – so far so good. I’ve had this professor before. I think I mentioned about her class the prior semester where I bombed her lesson plan project. Now in the class, I go and just keep my mouth shut. I know better now because I know her. I am going to do my best to do good lessons. We have to do two literature lesson plans. I wish I could use the lessons I already taught at the high school! She picked the book though. Bummer! I definitely understand why it is more uncomfortable to perform in front of your peers than it is in front of the room with the kids. In the classroom, I brought my personality and a little of the “Prospect Park – Lisa Jersey” swagger. It worked. Being in front of my peers doing mock lessons, eh, not real comfortable. Oh well. I have no choice.
Just a little current catch up. I bought the new Eminem CD – Recovery. FANTASTIC! Now that he is drug free, his skills are back to the Em of old! How anyone can’t think he is a lyrical genius is beyond me. The word associations and rhyme patterns he uses is incredible especially for someone who never read poetry or received a high school diploma.
I saw a former member from the fitness facility today. She was one of the older ladies – I think in her 80s. I liked her. I’m sure she had something to say though when things first happened though because she is friends with “Devri.”
Back to the Canada trip. World, please keep in mind that all this is being told to present my state mind during various aspects of the grieving and epiphany process because I was so emotionally fragile and so angry. . . As time got closer, Melissa & Frank asked my husband and I if we minded if Melissa’s parents came up to Canada for News Years with us . What I should have said was, “You know I love your parents, but do you mind if it is just the 5 of us?” I just needed to be with my friends and my god-daughter and clear my head because it was such a domino effect from November 2008 to that time that I really hadn’t had a chance to just “escape.” While we did go to Fort Lauderdale, FL with our other two friends in April 2009, I think my husband and I really needed to go farther away. Canada was perfect. It was out of the country. We kept our mouths shut because we didn’t want to be disrespectful and we understood that if Melissa’s parents were there, they could go out one night and relax while her parents watched my god-daughter. However, I was grieving my father and I didn’t want to be on a “family” vacation when my family life was in such disarray. We kinda just let it go. The day we left for Canada I was looking on Facebook and noticed Melissa’s brother’s status message saying he and his girlfriend were going to Canada. We had no clue that he was coming as well. To find out on Facebook that this really was a family vacation turned my already fragile state of mind to something I never experienced before. If I knew that it was going to be a family vacation, I would have invited my mother just so I had some family there too – especially then or we would have stayed home and suggested an overnight of some sort when they got back. Without going into much detail, it wasn’t the vacation we had hoped for. Don’t get me wrong, we enjoyed ourselves and thought Quebec City was amazing especially with the cobblestone streets and the horse drawn carriage ride I went on with my husband in the snow. How you can not like a real life Dickens village that was decorated for the holidays? In any case when we got home, we said we were just going to let things go and then my mother said things she shouldn’t have. Things just got crazy between everyone – Me, my husband, Frank, Melissa, her family, my mother, people on Facebook chiming in. It was just a nightmare and so not called for. It was probably one of the worse arguments I think I have ever been in with people that close to me. It was terrible. Things were being said between everyone that really weren’t meant but there was anger involved. It was at that point when that happened, that my husband and I looked at each other and said about everything, “What the hell are we doing?” We sat down, had a long talk, and just tried to put things in perspective. My father was always the one we would talk to and he wasn’t here anymore. It was time to find someone else to talk to and we did. We had to get out of the funk we were in – all the negativity, the anger, the hurt about my father, the business, our bird, careers, not having a house after 6 years of marriage, not knowing if we would ever be able to have kids because of our age and because of all the time wasted making wrong decisions, other people controlling situations and so on. We had enough. We couldn’t go on like that anymore. This is us – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBDapiN-cHc