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Tag Archives: people


Sitting here watching ESPN FIRST TAKE and listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9PmfpGQrQ – LOVE this song. Singing away. This song has so many meanings for me – Not just the obvious love song type insinuation. I like to reach deeper with music lyrics. I am so into music lyrics telling a story especially where I am concerned. I have a song for EVERYTHING. Don’t you wish you can get inside my head? :p

Still in my PJs cause I can! WOO HOO! I have been so exhausted. It’s amazing what happens when you shut your brain off. The semester is over for me. My last day was Wednesday. Supervisor came. Cake walk! I am waiting for my grades to be posted now. 

This time of year is rough for me. I’m missing my father. I have been going to his house on Christmas Eve since I was 10 when my parents divorced. My husband and I are still going over there even now that he’s gone. My 20-year-old brother is a stickler for traditions. He doesn’t want anything to change including the menu – Filet mignon and lobster. My father used to make the steak and now he makes it. I think my bro makes it better than my father (*Looks up* SORRY DAD). Not a lobster eater. Not a red meat eater either. I have to be in the mood for it. I’ll take one for the team Christmas Eve though. My husband’s birthday is on Christmas Eve too so we always have a birthday cake for him. We are going to celebrate it on the 23rd. We are going into NY.

It’s that time of year for reassessing. This has been another year of enormous growth and learning for me. Since my father passed away on Jan 22, 2009, my life has taken such a different turn. I think I have said this in past posts but it’s unfortunate that it took my father leaving this earth to wake the hell up. This year I have seen people’s true colors and realized who cares and who is only out for themselves – especially in the last two months. I think I have also said in past posts that  if you cross me once I wipe my hands of you. That I definitely got from my father. I have wiped my hands of things and situations. Out with the old and in with the new. I refuse to be anyone’s marionette. No one plucks my strings except me. This is why I have a very hard time trusting people. There is usually an underlined manipulative motive.  I won’t tolerate that. To those that have been in my corner and continue to be, I am very thankful and appreciate all the support – especially with my creative outlets.

I also want to announce that I am going to be an auntie again! My best friend is pregnant again with her second child. YAYYYYYYY!!!!

Switched over to another song I can’t stop listening to – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsPFDzAGb4A – Alter ego? lol


I now understand why these literary names drank. You’re on a high and then a  low. One minute you have writer’s block and the next minute your brain doesn’t turn off. Last night my brain actually forced me to write a poem at 11:30 p.m. It was one of those WRITE IT DOWN moments. Total weirdness especially considering I do not write poetry or I haven’t since I was in my early 20s in my undergrad.  We went to a character development one day intensive workshop in NY from 11-6 this past Saturday. It was an INCREDIBLE experience. Since then, I can’t stop. I have all these things popping into my head. I created a few characters for future pieces I want to write whether short story or what have you. We are writing another one-act play that is untitled right now. I was able to write some dialogue in that workshop which was great.  I have my novel/novella going (I think I have like 47 word pages) as well. I went back to that a little yesterday to make some changes. I have so much I want to do but I have to maintain a balance with my schoolwork. UGH! Again I am so over this semester! I have a had a great learning experience but dear Lord I am ready to just write for a month and enjoy whatever life has for me during the holidays. I was telling someone this morning that i feel like inserting myself into the Lebron James What Should I do commercial and how I know some of the people I am around think I’m probably nuts or are expecting me to fail since I have failed at every other thing I have tried. A lot of people think hi diddly dee the 9-5’s for me. That’s NOT for me. I want to write and be involved with theatre and I WILL write and be involved in theatre. So here ya go –

I have this song on my brain. I love the lead singer’s voice and some of the words and phrases remind me of people/situations  

  – One of many other things my brain keeps to itself.


So today I am wondering who the real true people are in my life. I  am on a totally different path than a lot of people. As I said, while I am going for my teaching certification, my real goal is to sing, write and become better at my crafts. I don’t know what the future holds for anything. I can tell you one thing I have ZERO tolerance for is fairweather friends, people who don’t want to support you, people who only want you to support them and when you do they dismiss you like a disobedient child or people who EXPECT you to live the same lifestyle they are.  Don’t come to me JUST when you need something or you want something. Don’t contact me only when it’s convenient for you or to throw me a bone.   I am not interested in having someone like that in my life. It’s like those acquaintences that friend you on facebook to keep up with what your doing but never talk to you or ask you how you are. What’s the point of friending me on a SOCIAL NETWORK? If you are with me and in my corner, act like it. If you’re not, at least have a backbone and say so, ya know? I would have a hell of a lot more respect for you. These types of things plus lots of others have been bothering me for a few weeks now.   

Just wanted to talk to you tonight world. I’ve been up since 5:30 a.m. and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. Good Night!


So I have had several different people read our one-act play called The Switch. One person is the individual playing opposite me who is playing the reporter. He wanted to read the script before he agreed to take the part. He took the part. I guess that means he liked it? Three others read it as well.

One individual has a Master’s Degree in English, is a former journalist, and is a college professor in Connecticut. She is a college buddy of mine. We used to work at the local paper together as well. I trust her. She is very creative. She named her daughter Arcadia Cosette – Cosette being from Les Mis.     I think that is great. I always said if I had a daughter I would name her Cecily Teresa. Cecily from The Importance of Being Earnest  and Teresa being my maternal grandmother’s name and my Confirmation name. Now we kick around Brielle or Zoe (our lead character in our play) for a daughter’s name. Not that kids will come real soon if at all but who knows. I don’t have a crystal ball. In any case, my friend loved it. She thought the dialogue flowed.

A second individual who I went to high school with also thought it was good work. He graduated a year before me and is a screenplay writer. He actually has a meeting in Los Angeles next week with executives for his screenplay. I can’t even imagine to begin to know what he is feeling. That’s awesome! He is a horror guru. When he read the play, he said playfully that we should have one character kill the other  and typed in a “LOL.”   He said the hubby and I did good work.

The last person I sent it to you is a long time friend as well. He is a member of SAG and does a lot of work in the NJ/NYC area. He actually said it was very wordy, said there was a lack of contractions, and said the dialogue sounds like they took a conversation course. Can characters actually be too intellectual when they speak? Does an intellectual conversation mean it’s not realistic? I mean when I told my friend from Connecticut she said that psychopaths usually speak very intellectually and asked if I ever heard Bundy talk. While I appreciate my SAG friend’s feedback, I kinda disagree. But hey who am I? Who is my husband? I am just a girl from Prospect Park, NJ and he is just a guy from Pawnee, IL. Is everyone going to like it? No, probably not. I hope whoever comes and sees it at least has the backbone to dissect it after seeing it, ya know? This is only our first work. If it is an immediate crowd pleaser, great. If it’s not, will it bother me a little bit? Yes. Will I get over it and move on? Yes. Nothing is going to break my stride. How many times did Eminem choke on stage? How many times was he booed off stage?


I wanted an autopsy done on my father. That didn’t happen. According to my old singing teacher whose husband worked in the FBI, if there is a death in the house when no one is at home, it’s the law to have an autopsy. Everyone including paramedics and the town police assumed it was heart related. I know he was having pains in his legs and started taking medication for it. It could have been a mix of meds, it could have been an aneurysm, it could have been a blood clot in his leg that spread, the stent could have closed, or it could have been something else. The very last time my father was in the hospital he had a blood transfusion. He told us the doctors said he needed iron tablets. A blood transfusion for a heart patient? I still don’t believe it to this day. I think everyone thinks I am a ball full of nerves and there was more to this story that I wasn’t privy too. The funny thing is everyone is so wrong. Especially these days. It honestly annoys me sometimes when people think they know me when they really don’t. When someone starts spending 24/7 with me like my husband does or if someone has been friends with me as long as some people in my life have, then you have the right to say you know me. Until then, you don’t anything about me.

In my father’s will he specified he didn’t want a viewing or funeral. He just wanted to be cremated. I think he didn’t want his family to have to emotionally suffer. His wishes weren’t honored. Our family was talked into a memorial service and private family only viewing in Ridgewood. Each one week after another. This whole thing lasted two weeks between the viewing and the memorial. The day of the viewing my brothers and I wore our Giants jerseys for our dad. He was in a coffin with a Giants t-shirt and sweats. Makes me laugh.  We always joked that we wanted to be buried in our Giants jerseys. That was one of the hardest things in my life I have ever had to see.

Sons and daughters of my father’s friends came to the memorial service the following week with posters and sayings my father said. My father coached football so all his old players came. Someone made a photo collage on their computer. Others made poster board collages of pictures of my dad. Some were with his friends, some with me, some with my brothers, some with my stepmother, and some with my husband and I. Replaying over and over again on the computer collage was I Will Remember You by Sara McLaughlin. That killed me. I was hysterically crying. As the night went on, there was a line out the door and around the block of people coming to pay their respects to my father and the family. It was incredible. I couldn’t believe the outpour of people and love.

I just wanted all this to be over. I still had the Praxis exam to take in March. My husband and I still had the bankruptcy to deal with. How was I going to handle all of this when I just lost my father? This was still a shock to my system. It’s still a shock even to this day. As the days followed, I said after losing a parent, how much worse does it get. From now on, everything was going to be weighed on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being my father dying. And so continued the domino effect.

Two weeks later my pet bird who was still having a little bit of trouble after being seen by the vet months ago didn’t seem right. When we were getting ready to go to bed, she was able to climb to the top of her cage to what we called her “sleep cup.” We covered her and went to bed. The next morning when we woke up, our bird heard us. To get us to uncover her, she always played what my husband and I called “bat bird.” She would flip herself over and flap her wings real hard. I was happy to see she was able to do that after the symptoms she was showing the night before. I uncovered her and when she flipped herself back up on her cup, she was teetering back and forth. I put my finger in the cage. She hopped up on it. The minute I had her out, she collapsed and died in my hand. She wanted her mother. She wanted me to be there. It was heart wrenching. First I lost my job. Next bankruptcy was decided, then my father died, and two weeks later my bird died in my hand. I thought for sure I was being cursed. Someone was giving me the evil eye. What else could it have been? Why was this happening to me? What did I do? Was this punishment for being greedy and having to have a business and wanting money? I had no answers. I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take. I should have read this prayer over again back then:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I think my faith may have been being tested.